Hi, I'm Riler Mills, teen hearthrob from the hit television soap opera Group House, talking to you on behalf of the interim government of our glorious southern republic. If you've been watching television or reading the newspapers lately and feeling increasingly helpless and ill- defined, you're certainly not alone.

You've probably been thinking twice about the woman in the apartment across the hall or that guy in the video store. Casting sidelong glances at friends, the man with a gun in your back, or even members of your own family. The Honxqp seem as though they are everywhere nowadays.

Remember, we've all seen people who the Honxqp have become, whether we recognised it or not, although of course you're never the one it takes yourself. The government needs your help. Is your family still normal? Perhaps only you can tell the difference.

Don't wait until something strange and terrible happens in the home of your little ones. Act now. New government pamphlets are widely available in convenient non-honxqp shopfronts across the country. These pamphlets outline simple criteria which will help you identify the Honxqp amongst the people you know better than anyone else.