The Irony Party of Australia
Encephalatronicalogical Pamphlet
April 23rd 2006
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Defence Secretary Retired - Children's Literary Icon To Replace Incompetent Rumsfeld
It's clear the American political establishment expects a significant departure from the policies and approach of Donald Rumsfeld, a bullying, whimsical, inhumanitarian, and many believe the new Defence Secretary certainly represents a new direction for the Bush Administration. But now George Bush the Younger, who has met with overwhelming opposition on previous appointments, could face an uphill battle defending the risky appointment to a senior administrative position of the relatively unknown fictional children's book character, tiny insect Alistair Spottybug.
This week a steady stream of recently retired US generals eager to properly apportion blame for the military and political disaster in Iraq, have spoken publicly on their discomfort at the political leadership of the US military. Until now, Donald Rumsfeld was unshakeable in his self-belief, defending his own position. He was also defended by the President, who took a break in his traditional Easter cocaine binge to speak incoherently on his beleagured friend's behalf. But today at last there were conciliatory noises from the White House, and late in the morning the Secretary for Defence emerged to publicly give his resignation to the American people. And a short time ago US President George W Bush held a rare impromptu press conference to announce his choice for the powerful role of Defence Secretary, diminutive children's literature icon Alistair Spottybug.
Although difficult challenges lie ahead for Alistair, including the resolution of the Iranian uranium enrichment problem, the completion of the enlightenment of Iraq, and protecting the United States from rogue nations and stateless terrorist organisations such as al Qa'eda, he has the great advantage of following in the footsteps of a dangerous war-mongering loon. Nobody imagines the Spottybug's term in high office could possibly be more damaging than that of his predecessor. But some commentators have already suggested the choice of fictional character Alistair Spottybug as the Defence Secretary of the world's most powerful nation could nonetheless prove controversial.
There are reportedly already rumblings from some quarters of the Republican Party concerned that Alistair Spottybug, who is still less than one year old, and has a friend called Grasshopper, is an intellectual and diplomatic lightweight not equal to the rigorous demands of his office. Others have already pointed to the new Defence Secretary's lack of prior military experience and the fact that he has had next to no training in strategic administration of a massive military machine as short-comings that could see today's decision ultimately hinder rather than contribute to the defence of the United States in the face of a growing number of capable and well-armed adversaries.
Meanwhile, cynics say the new appointment merely represents more of the same from a US Administration notorious for placing entirely unqualified personal favourites of the President in positions of extraordinary responsibility. And anti-corporate groups have already denounced Alistair's overt and ongoing commercial links with the publishing and entertainment industries. The popular tiny Defence Secretary appears in the children's book 'Alistair Spottybug and the Festival of the Small, the film rights for which are rumoured to be generating healthy competition among Hollywood studios who now see an opportunity for gentle propaganda for the under-sixes.
Speaking at a media conference this evening about the new appointment, outgoing White House Spokesman Scott McClellan denied the announcement had been timed to coincide with the traditional holiday Easter period in order to minimise embarrassment to the former Secretary of Defence. But asked about the reasons behind selecting a small iconic bug as the head of a US Government department, rather than an experienced bureaucrat or respected political figure, McLellan was prepared to give some insight into the thinking that had gone into the decision: 'We thought at the time that Donald Rumsfeld was made Defence Secretary that he would be superb and exemplary in the role, and just the opposite proved to be the case. This time, we're thinking on our feet, and have reversed the situation. As a result the Administration has every confidence in Mr Spottybug, and anticipates a smooth transition as Alistair rapidly adjusts to his new role.'
