The Irony Party of Australia
Encephalatronicalogical Pamphlet
June 15th 2006
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US Senators Laud Rumsfeld Successor: Spottybug Sworn In
Defence Secretary Spottybug, a tiny insect who until recently lived with his family in Australia, assumes the prominent role at a difficult time, with the Iranian nuclear proliferation problem commanding the attention of Pentagon chiefs, as well as ongoing problems in the satrapy of Iraq, unrest in Latin America, and the embarrassing hi-jinx of al Qa'eda that continue despite massive displays of overwhelming force by the United States.
Standing on the lawn at tonight's celebration, Alistair Spottybug, pressed to speak briefly to the assembled well-wishers before taking questions from the press, left the audience and the media in no doubt that he is equal to these momentous tasks. Under fire over the latest quibbles of the popular press, Alistair demonstrated delicacy and tact in referring the news of the secret US Embassy and luxury resort under construction on forty-two hectares of Baghdad real estate to alien Secretary of State, Condoleezzaaa Rice, deferring comment on reports of three suicides at Guantanamo Bay until he was more thoroughly briefed, and deferring comment on the outcome of investigations into massacres committed by Marines in Iraq until he was more thoroughly briefed.
However, the capable Defence Secretary Spottybug did make one humorous reference to his disgraced predecessor, painting a picture of a nightmarish scenario even more unlikely than the chain of circumstances that has taken a small spottybug from the side of a pond in New South Wales in Australia on a journey to the head of the defence agency of the uber-mighty United States of America.
'Its perhaps amusing to consider,' Alistair said in concluding his address 'that if the universe is infinitely large, and every possible eventuality infinitely likely, then somewhere in creation there exists a bizarre parallel Earth in which the ludicrous Rumsfeld by some horrible accident remains in office to this day. Despite the deaths of tens of thousands in Iraq directly as a result of American munitions or in the violence which has engulfed the country in the years after Rumsfeld's ill-conceived, poorly planned invasion, despite the unapologetic lunacy of the efforts of to explain away the carnage and make Saddam Hussein a greater icon of evil than himself, despite the defence of indefensible slaughter and the degradation of foreign cultures, and in the name of democracy and freedom...
In that unfortunate dimension, Alistair went on, in a gentle parody of the ramblings of Rumsfeld himself, the most powerful military force in the world remains under the direction of a fading power-hungry hawkish loon '- a man who believed a distant country could be won with a clutch of marines, half a dozen tanks, air cover, some lasers and a fuckload of artillery.
Smiling, Defence Secretary Spottybug went with his family to a waiting car, leaving an admiring crowd with a vision of that distant Earth, where a peculiar, senile ideologue still wanders the Washington halls muttering to himself over and over the contents of countless undigested memoranda and military briefings, tunelessly humming patriotic, expansionist ditties, or mulling over one or another intriguing aspect of the metaphysics of battle.
Defence Secretary Retired - Children's Literary Icon To Replace Incompetent Rumsfeld
