The Irony Party of Australia
Encephalatronicalogical Pamphlet
November 17th 2006
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Oculube Threat Worsens as National Security Council Meets
IT wont be easy, say Ministers and think tank provocaters alike, to combat the devious threat posed by the tiny oculubes. It's even more difficult to extract information from the Authorities on exactly what the Government's response to the deadly organism is likely to be. An unidentified voice at the Prime Minister's office has consistently referred the media to Emergency Management Australia, who have in rapid response assembled a range of official ageing buffoons to give briefings and interviews through the course of the crisis.
Meanwhile in Australia's regions and the outskirts of major cities, panic is growing as reports of oculube infestation flood in. Police media units have issued press packs on the Oculube invasion that advise citizens to stay in their homes and not attempt long distance travel between towns. But with frightened journalists now reporting whole country towns apparently deserted, except for the oculube residue and scraps of human clothing, all inner cities are tonight crowded with gridlocked vehicles and many thousands of displaced persons seeking some kind of refuge.
Anecdotal stories of police and even ADF barricades at Faulconbridge to the West of Sydney and Helensburgh to the south are at this stage unconfirmed.
One of the first symptoms of the little understood crisis, along with the patches of the now familiar weed-like foliage, was the apparent loss of truck drivers making the long haul between Australian cities. Rigs were found, and later the vehicles of investigating police officers as well. Now the trucks have stopped rolling, despite attempts at financial inducement, and the flow of basic foodstuffs and other supplies into major population centres is disrupted. The problem that exercises the minds of inner city shopkeepers and cafe chefs for whom events are for the moment lucrative rather than distressing. But unless a solution is found and the roads made safe again, shortages are expected to become severe.
In Canberra, where several suburbs in the treeless, fast-growing north of the city have been mysteriously stripped of their populations under the noses of the Authorities, the apparatchiks and the surviving members of the Press Gallery and the large-bellied, besuited politicos themselves feel personally threatened, a factor that has apparently increased the urgency of the Government's response.
Since November 2012 there are always Defence Force troops at Parliament House. But now their number is doubled or trebled, and armoured vehicles patrol the pristine environs of the Parliamentary circle. No oculube presence has been detected other than the symptomatic fast-growing flora, according to the spokesmouths of the EMA, the military and Department of the Prime Minister, but the NSC gathering is, we understand, taking place somewhere precautionary and deep below the Parliament underground.
Given the decisive actions of the Government in recent years in response to deadly threats to the Australian population and the body politic, it seems likely action on the Oculube infestation will be swift and unmitigated. Discussion on the dangerous threat will be curtailed by law, and the Federal Police will begin in their inimicable way to involve themselves in the lives of ordinary Australians. But with the people as a whole frightened by the unavoidable reality of mass disappearances and the sinister tiny round squirming silver Oculube residue, the country's leaders cannot afford to be lacklustre in containing the crisis.
